I don’t want to make a big deal out of this but Kyle Tucker is pretty ugly. Especially for an alpha male MVP candidate that rakes from the left side with gold glove defense.
Normally those character traits give you some attractive DNA. Whether that’s a razor sharp jaw like me or diamond-cutting cheek bones. Or a nice Virginia-baked honey-glazed tan from standing in the sun. Or at least some decent lettuce flowing out of the ball cap.
Woof.
Kyle Tucker has none of that and here’s why I actually kinda like it.
I’m sick of pretty boy pussy baseball players dressing up for Express advertisements and Red Bull commercials. They’re always hanging out in River North and trying to bang your girlfriend while you gotta pay $96 before taxes and fees for a Tuesday Night Budweiser Bleacher ticket.
Give me bad body/bad chin all day over the handsome franchise player. I want the natural slump busting Chicago 6 to hit in the middle of our lineup with no distractions or endorsements or lot lizards poking holes in condoms. I need someone singularly focused on winning baseball games and it would appear Kyle Tucker is the perfect amount of ugly to give maximum concentration for a full 162 game season.
That’s not a guy who stays out in Miami trying to get laid. If he’s in Miami, it’s to pad his baseball stats and sweep the Marlins.
The reason this is important is the Cubs play in some of the ugliest cities in the country. Pittsburgh, St. Louis, Milwaukee and Cincinnati are all dangerous minefields if you don’t know what you’re doing. And I think that could be a huge problem if Kyle Tucker was handsome and horny and disruptive.
But he’s actually the opposite and I think that’s going to translate very well for road splits.
Am I overreacting?
Maybe.
But this is also the exact kind of insight that gives you an edge in the long-run. And nobody loves a small edge in the long-run more than me. So that’s why I care so much about how ugly Kyle Tucker is… it’s ugly enough to make a real difference up and down the lineup.
So just keep that in your back pocket for later in the year when the Cubs hold a 10 game lead and Kyle Tucker is a clear cut MVP favorite. People will say it’s for a lot of reasons but you’ll know it’s actually because he’s one ugly dude.
PS – I love giving up a significantly more handsome guy in the trade here. That’s actually genius.