This is one of those stupid gimmick videos that shouldn’t be that funny but I still find myself laughing at every single punch out. So much that it gets a blog because I love the Peanut Punch and I love Peanut Tillman. Even when you know it’s coming in that clip. Even when you see him lurking behind the corner. It still hits every time and that’s because Peanut Tillman rocks.
Or maybe it’s because I can identify to having things knocked out of my hands aggressively. Do book checks still exist? Because on my life, I got book checked once a week as a freshman at Brother Rice High School and I’m a better man because of it.
And not to misremember, but I recall most good checks coming from teachers and coaches. Like Coach Duffy Jr. coming off a substitute theology assignment in the west wing. He sees you coming up those stairs carrying an afternoon’s worth of books and you’re fucked. That’s a guaranteed karate chop, papers everywhere, complete with a Watch where you’re going STERK. And he’s like 26 years old while this is happening and in hindsight it’s fucking hilarious.
I want to go back and get a teaching degree right now just so I could terrorize unsuspecting freshmen. Not for selfish reasons, but because I really think kids these days need more unrestricted bullying. And let me be clear: I’m the man for the job for 3 main reasons.
- Name Calling – I’m so mean spirited with nicknames. And I’ve got tremendous range. Whether you’re too fat or too skinny. Too ugly or too short or weird or whatever. I know the exact trigger words that will corrupt your self esteem and ruin your fuckin day.
- Aggression – A lot of people like to be passively aggressive and those people are pussies. I bring the noise directly to your face without any room for interpretation. You’ll get no emotional wiggle room to fall asleep to. I’m like a 3-technique defensive lineman with A gap responsibility. Daddy’s coming and there’s nothing you can do about it.
- Relentlessness – There’s no days off once I start bullying you. You think I’m easing up just because grandma died? WRONG. Think you get a pass because your ex-girlfriend got caught taking laps with the water polo team? WRONG. I am your worst nightmare morning, afternoon, evening and everything in between. And I am here to destroy you.
For these reasons I think I make a good adult bully. Especially if we’re bullying children because they’re such easy targets.
Speaking of which.
I’ll be at my nieces dance recital this Saturday morning taking notes.
If your kid sucks, be prepared to hear about it from me.