Torpedo Bat, Schmorpedo Bat

As explained by the head engineer:

All the rage lately is these Torpedo Bats and I have some deep thoughts on the evolution.

Let’s just get into it:

  • If you’ve been reading the blog today then you know we had a rough start to the week with a vet trip for Scottie Puppen. He’s back safe and sound under a heated blanket on the couch watching Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. It’s not his favorite but we used our random Star Wars movie generator and it landed on RotS. So be it. Most important thing is that Scottie Puppen is doing okay so thank you to everyone who has reached out and said something nice. Thank you.
  • Torpedo bats are overrated and you’re going to hear about it right now. It’s not a new invention as much as it’s newly adopted by the Yankees for opening day when they smashed 1,000 homers. That’s going to draw attention as well as Trevor Megill’s pussy comments. But the important thing to remember is that these aren’t new. They’ve been around long enough to pick up steam and MLB has already considered them legal within the rules
  • If something is within the rules, you can’t complain without sounding like a huge pussy like Trevor Megill. So just keep that in mind. These bats meet the MLB regulations so that’s called Fair Game
  • The bat’s easier to handle because it’s more top heavy. So you get better lag and whip relative to traditional weight distribution. There’s you’re advantage.
  • Disadvantage is that you won’t have a balanced swing across the strikezone. You’re going to have spots that are bright red but there’s slower spots on a swing path if you change weight distribution like this. Outside fastballs become harder to hit the other way. You’re weaker up the middle and to opposite field.
  • It will make bad hitters better on certain pitches but I think the trade off is that bad hitters are worse on other pitches. And since you’re in the big leagues, you’re gonna see more of the stuff you’re not good against. So just give the league a week or two to figure that out and I think it quickly becomes a disadvantage for a number of players.
  • Also, have a we considered that maybe the Brewers just suck?
  • 13 homers is a lot but we should be smart to reserve judgment until it becomes a full blown scandal. I know that’s lame but we’re talking about baseball here. Most of the time it’s going to be lame.
  • Last and probably most important is that baseball adjusts to everything so quickly. It doesn’t matter if it’s shifting defense or the moneyball evolution or Juan Pierre getting a big contract from the 2006 Cubs or whatever the popular trend is. Baseball adapts and changes and regulates itself fluidly. I don’t think this is going to be any different so that’s my serious take.
  • Thinking as a casual sports fan though, this is a perfect story with a perfect name. You got an MIT professor leaving the industry. You have the word TORPEDO attached to ILLEGAL EQUIPMENT used by the Evil Empire of professional sports. The whole thing is simply too perfect to be fiction which reminds me we need a good baseball movie. For no other reason to see this played out, I could use a Torpedo Bat movie. Only question I have is when’s the best time to release a baseball movie?
    • I like the offseason when news is slow and we can all rally around a great film
    • But I also understand the need of releasing when baseball’s in the news cycle. So June/July is probably most perfect but we’re not talking Summer Blockbusters.
    • Spring is for box office duds
    • Fall is too close to the playoffs
  • Everything considered I would release a baseball movie about Torpedo Bats in the first week of December. Especially if there’s a sentimental angle that could play into Christmas consumer tendencies. Then I think we’re on to something provided Jeff Goldblum plays the physicist and Danny McBride gets a spot in the dugout.
  • Who says no to that?

PS – Manfred juiced the balls again and is blaming the Yankees because he’s a diehard Mets fan. It’s pretty obvious.

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