I don’t want to make a huge deal out of this but I was at a family party over the weekend and almost beat the shit out of my cousin for basically sucking Ben Johnson’s dick so hard I couldn’t even concentrate on my miso glazed chilean sea bass.
Let me be specific.
Ben Johnson could be an awesome coach.
Ben Johnson could be a terrible coach.
And it is highly unlikely he is any worse than Matt Eberflus.
But at this point in time, we have nothing to judge him off other than he’s not Matt Eberflus and surely it can’t be any worse.
When you break it down like that, there’s quite literally no reason to be throwing a party for Ben Johnson right now. Not saying we won’t be doing that in week 2 or 3 or that he won’t win NFL coach of the year. I’m not saying he sucks or really anything other than the following:
There’s no reason to throw Ben Johnson a party in May 2025.
I want to throw him a party.
Just not right now before he’s coached one game. That’s all I’m asking.
Which I understand is a lot, especially amongst so many desperately slutty Bears fans that just want to be the pretty girl one time and get fucked appropriately hard. But can we just wait until he’s actually good to act like he’s so good? Can we pump the brakes until he’s actually 1-0 and then we can party all we want? Would you guys be okay rolling up the red carpet until mid-September and we have one game under our belt?
Is that so crazy?
I heard the other day that Ben Johnson’s the greatest Bears coach of all time. I said What about Mike Ditka? And I was told “He doesn’t understand the modern offense like Ben Johnson.” And I’m thinking when the fuck did Mike Ditka need to know a modern offense? And what world are we judging the past by the present standards? And what the FUCK has Ben Johnson done to even be in the same breath as Mike Ditka?
I want to explode.
Mostly because I know so many people have so many rocks in their head that they can’t fathom the idea of wanting to see the success before we start the celebration.
And I know it’s hard to make this argument because I know how patently disgusted so many of you are going to be at the mere notion of waiting for him to start coaching games before we start building his statute.
So I’m really sorry for offending you.
But I’m just asking for my sanity if we could maybe briefly pause the trophy case reconstruction project at Halas Hall. I’m asking for my own personal health and wellness that we win at least one game first before giving Ben Johnson full diplomatic immunity within Chicago boundaries.
Even if it hurts your feelings.
Even if you know more than me and everyone else that’s watched the Bears forever.
Even if you’re the smartest person in the world and can see the future and you personally know firsthand the Bears are going to the Super Bowl under Ben Johnson because you know see all.
Even if you’re that fuckin guy.
Please just do me a favor and cool it for the rest of us morons who need to see results first to understand them. That’s all I’m asking. On behalf of us dumbos that only see a 0-0 career head coaching record. Please just let the man cook and then we can all blow him together in one big happy suckfest.
Until then.
Chill.