Alexa
I probably like talking about French Onion more than I like eating it at this point and that’s because it’s such a simple and repeatable dish. Provided you have onions to caramelize, bone or beef broth and some cheese and bread, you yourself can make a french onion soup right now. There’s such limited barriers to entry. It’s a true community soup for all the people everywhere.
Another thing I like is the French aspect. Anytime you add French to something food related you’re going to see an immediate improvement. French Fries. French Toast. French Onion. French Dip. French Dressing. French Bread. French Kiss. French Horn. French Press. French Vanillia. French Twist. French French.
The mere introduction of a French means High Quality and Super Fancy and Very Delicious.
So off the bat, you have my attention the second you introduce me to your French Onion. I’m at attention on deck at call for your direction. Just tell me what you want.
RATE IT
My pleasure.
Let’s take another look.
Couple big categories we focus on:
- Circumstance
- Cheese texture
- Cheese coverage
- Serving bowl and miscellaneous presentation
- Bread bulge
- Flavor profile
Let’s dive in:
Circumstance – you’re on a cruise so I don’t love this bowl to be honest. And salt or fresh water really has no impact either. What I know is that they’re ladling way too many bowls to climb out of the 6 range. That means less attention to detail at the expense of serving hundreds and there’s no amount of flavor profile to convince me otherwise. Of all the establishments from north to south pole serving French Onion, I can only think of one place I’d want to eat French Onion less than this cruise ship and that’s a maximum security federal penitentiary.
Texture – I’ve seen a lot worse. There’s good browning that suggests a broiler or handheld blowtorch. Problem with blowtorch though is we’re working with such high volume that I doubt we get a personalized touch with each bowl. To me this is more of a group broiler situation where you’re cooking 20-24 bowls at a time and then leaving them under a heat lamp. You can see it in the corners if you look hard enough. That uniform layer of of cheese is building up to about 5-7mm in diameter and that’s solely because you’re torching the dairy in a group staging phase. As such you’re never going to get the precision we celebrate with proper texture.
Coverage – I know this sounds simple but I want more overflow and I want it sloppy and wet like a dirty Memphis hooker.
This is weak sauce and tells me we’re simply too measured in the kitchen. I hate that.
Open up the playbook and give me a healthy sprinkle. If you can’t peel it off the bowl when you’re done then there just isn’t enough cheese distributed and that’s bullshit. Especially for a cruise when you just want a real slutty bowl after a long day in the sun.
Serving/Miscellaneous – Listen I’ll always love a brown bowl of French Onion. That’s the easiest way to pick up bonus points. The more authenticity to better and to me that means a thick, brown ceramic-enameled bowl that you could crater in my skull with. So boxes checked here.
Problem is I like my French Onion to come with laced panties to pick up some of the slop that spills when you’re angling your spoon against the bowl wall to carve out a taste of oozing cheese. You’re bound to get some spillage when you break off the cheese and I want that spillage collected on the plate via paper lace.
Bread Bulge – simply nonexistent here which is simply unacceptable. That’s either not enough brot. Not enough soup. Not enough onion. Not enough something. And that’s where you draw the lines on 6’s and 7’s. Without any bulge, I can’t go higher than a 6.4 and that’s being generous to richness and texture – both of which are lacking here.
The easiest way to a good bulge is just cutting off more bread, ideally a French Loaf.
So either the cruise is short on bread or they don’t value it as a primary ingredient to French Onion. And as I reason through this, hopefully it’s very obvious to you that the lack of a bread bulge is a complete unforced error on the part of the kitchen. Nobody to blame but yourselves.
In the same respect, these are the easiest mistakes to correct meaning you might need a 2nd bowl before making landfall just to confirm we’re light on the bulge.
Flavor Profile – I think it’s rich because you’re on a cruise ship and that soup probably came from a bag. So in that sense, you know it’s going to taste just right with loads of sodium and melt-in-your-mouth caramelized onion.
But we’re weak on all the other categories that inherently drive flavor profile.
Texture is so weak. Coverage is nonexistent. No bread. No overlap. No lacey panties and a double wide spoon. No anything that moves the needle on the flavor profile so I’m left to assume it’s standard issue slop. I don’t want to but I’m left no choice.
As such…
Overall 5.7 and maybe that’s too generous.
Maybe that’s one of the worst cruise bowls of French Onion I have ever seen either online or in real life. To the extent that if you’re gonna serve French Onion, you need to keep it into the 6’s or else you’re just wasting everybody else’s time.
To be sure though – I recommend a 2nd bowl.
sloppy and wet like a dirty Memphis hooker was a great description