This picture was taken towards the end of the 3rd quarter which means we probably got to 20 drinks which means we definitely spent more than $400 before tax which is easily the most impressive accomplishment from Soldier Field last night.
This is a south end zone picture. About 10 rows up. And that means you have a lengthy and congested walk to the concourse. You have to wade through the masses at least 10 times to get 20 drinks. And you’re doing that in a thirsty crowd that’s waited months for Monday Night Football and is presumably just as wasted as you are.
So when you consider the context, the achievement is that much more inspiring.
That said, this guy is fuckin LOADED and I think Soldier Field is in my top 5 worst places to be wasted around Chicagoland area.
Which is kinda crazy because I love getting hammered at Soldier Field but that’s strictly predicated on the 5+ years I lived across the street and could just stumble out of bed into the South Lot and vice versa.
Convenience aside, that place is an unmitigated nightmare for all the obvious reasons that I will now repurpose here:
- It’s a wasteland – you’re legit a 1.5 mile walk from your closest destination as soon as the game ends if heading back into the city area on Roosevelt. So hopefully you’re not a fatso who can’t climb stairs or else you need basically personal limo service door-to-door
- Everyone else is super wasted – which is pretty obvious but still valid. It’s the NFL of getting wasted in Chicago. It’s tough. Fast. Physical. And there’s always a younger fan getting more wasted and looking for his own opportunities to get even more wasted. That creates its own challenging environment predicated on competition and bad decisions. There’s some day games where that actually brings the best out of me but overall I think it’s a really aggressive place to get loaded.
- Fights – this happens all the time and that’s because of #2 … everyone is so hammered and loaded and wasted that literally anything goes on that 1.5 mile walk back to civilization. And not even against the opposition. I’m talking Bears Fans on Bears Fans violence and it can all be reduced to something like Go back to Elk Grove you fuckin pussy. “You got a problem with Elk Grove?” Yeah it’s all pussies. “Where you from? Plainfield?” Bolingbrook actually and I would fucking roll you up like a gently toasted croissant. PUNCHES.
- No Chicks – I hate getting loaded with only dudes. You need some babes walking around getting the chatter going and the blood flowing. Even as a happily married man. I’m calling this how I see it. You’re getting wasted, the least you can do is look at some decent trim. In practice that can be as simple as a bartender or a friendly server. But at Soldier Field you’re getting almost all dudes and extremely butch chicks that will scissor your dick down your throat and I don’t necessarily love that.
- The Bears Always Lose – probably the worst part is I can guarantee you’ll be mad after the game if you care even the slightest about the Bears. So be prepared to be very angry or at least extremely depressed, and that does NOT mix well with getting wasted. Probably the worst combination if we’re being honest and it’s never getting better. We lose every single way you can lose a football game and we do it basically all the time now. So that blows and is another huge reason why getting wasted at Soldier Field can be a bad time.
That said, I feel bad isolating Soldier Field so here are other places that suck with respect to getting wasted in Chicago:
- Somebody’s roof top for the air and water show. I hate that invitation more than any other invitation in Chicago. No I don’t want to sit on a lawn chair on your fake grass rooftop in the 2700th north block of something east of Sedgwick. You can’t see shit and you’re drinking seltzers anyways. Might as well be at Old Town Art Fair.
- Old Town Art Fair – overrated. You’re gonna get fucked up and accidentally by a reprint of that 36×24 can of Campbell’s soup that’s shaded with the Chicago flag colors. It sounds so much better on paper but problem is your group fragments the second you get to the art fair. Two guys are in Declans. Another group went to Benchmark. The hot 40 year old with big ones wants you to wait in line at Happy Camper. Your ex gf is at Burtons. It’s 1pm and you’re on an empty stomach of watermelon seltzers and 15 mg of a prescription upper you split with that one guy you interned with a couple summers back at CDW. It sounds and feels good for a minute but this is basically the blackhole of getting wasted in Chicago. This will go south. I will promise you.
- Taste of Chicago – I don’t know if we still do it but I went a couple years back and lasted 10 minutes. Couldn’t believe my eyes. You have to buy 24 tickets at a time and those run you $20 and the conversion rate is insane. 17 tickets for a bud light. 13 tickets for a can of water. 30 tickets for an open faced sandwich. No fuckin thanks. And on topic, get the security figured out. Felt like I was on a rec-yard break at a medium-security state prison.
- Shedd Aquarium – I get claustrophobic walking the halls here so maybe this is a personal one but boozing at the Shedd just doesn’t do it for me any more.
- Fogo De Chao – I’ve been banned here since 2004 which is because I projectile vomited in the lobby after drinking too much UV Blue with my southside polish buddies that speak fractional English and grew up working for their parents. It’s a long story. But we would drink quite heavily as teenagers and go into the city. One time we went to that Brazillian steakhouse because that’s how cash-flush 17 year old 1st generation Polish guys roll and I couldn’t keep it together. This one’s definitely personal but it makes the list.
- Smokeout – horrible bathroom situation and so many fake tough guys from Miami (OHIO) in large groups that serve to shield and protect the broader group of girls those guys associate with. And if you know me then you know I hate Miami (OHIO) guys so much. They’re so weird and I fundamentally associate them with Windy City Smokeout. Even if that’s wrong, I don’t care. Fuck Miami (OHIO) guys.
- Your Girlfriends Work Party – no place you want to booze less than with your girlfriend’s work friends. Key distinction here is girlfriend though. Because as a married guy, I love getting after it with her work friends. We’ve gotten to know each other for over a decade. Long, close, old friends are the result. But when you’re just starting off, it couldn’t be any worse because you have to meet so many people and they’re all so important and influential and the second they leave the conversation, your gf will talk shit about how much they suck at their job. And then you’ll instantly be introduced to yet another coworker while a server hands off another watered down vodka-cranberry-something that was premixed for a large group. And on it goes, one empty introduction and bullshit conversation after the other, nonstop, at some hip West Loop place you would never personally seek out. All because you’re a horny guy with an employed girlfriend and this is the cost of doing business.
I know I’m missing some but these are the big ones.
Anyways.
One more shoutout to this guy.
Taste of Chicago or Taste of Your Mom’s Ass.
This guy is coming and he won’t be stopped.
Not from Chicago but nice job putting me in those situations while reading. Girlfriend’s work party was relatable.
This is a phenomenal read. Thank you Carl. Salute.
Absolutely hysterical and so on the money. “13 tickets for a can of water” 😂